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I say “tomato”, you say “tomarto” – 4 steps to handling doubters

August 8, 2013
inb-coach, b-mail
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OK so who’s got it right? Me? Or you? When it comes to adding some stretch to your life, everyone has an opinion. I’m sure many simply want the best for you, wanting to investigate your thinking (did you think about ………?) or understand your motivation (You’ve got a great ……….., I think you ought to ……..), but somehow their delivery is a bit clumsy or inadvertently negative. I call them naysayers or doubters and they ruin your mojo! The snag is they may have some wisdom to share and you’ll be too busy tending to your ruffled feathers to hear it. Hmmm it’s not that easy dealing with naysayers.

Here’s my 4 steps to handle them with grace and positivity:

1) Repeat a mini mantra and breathe

Say/ write/ think “positive intent, terrible delivery” and breathe deeply. That should remove the “sting” of what was said.

2) Recognise their emotional hook and yours

We all have them. Maybe they’re speaking from regret at not following their dream or being burnt badly doing something similar? For you, perhaps your hook that it feels like someone hasn’t got your back, or they think you’re an idiot? Once you can see where you’re both coming from, you’ve got a chance to listen, absorb and open up to the conversation.

3) Listen hard and thank them for sharing with you

Don’t dismiss too early; you could be missing something. Listen, thank them and then engage all your curiosity. Check anything you’re not 100% sure you’ve understood through open questions, to encourage them to say more about their point of view. By asking questions, you hold back your reaction or opinion and give them the opportunity to clarify or evidence their point of view.

4) Ask them for their help and support

At the end of the day, whether you agree with them or not, one of the most effective ways to turn a naysayer into a cheerleader is to ask for their help in your change. For example, give them a specific task or role to play. I converted a doubter by asking them to be a sounding board for my business ideas; they feel they are contributing and keeping me safe plus I get a refreshingly honest take on a new b-mail topic, business partner or strategic direction. Priceless!

I seriously hope that you never need these 4 steps – if you do, best of luck and do report back in via the comments.

For any of you dealing with a super persistent naysayer or doubter, get in touch and we can explore via coaching some more techniques to move their thinking, change their approach or reduce their impact on you.

  • Sarae • August 23, 2013

    Howdy all, a small update: I thought you might also like to read how Nikki Elledge Brown, the Communication Stylist handles her public naysayer with style http://bit.ly/13WgXv9

  • Nikki Elledge Brown • September 24, 2013

    Great tips + beautiful site, Sarae! Thanks so much for the mention 🙂

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lost your voice?

July 25, 2013
inb-coach, b-mail, b-Pilates, b-train
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Last week, I wrote about purpose and personality making a compelling, inspiring message (Missed it? No worries – it’s here) and I’ve worked with some great people, who on paper have the content cracked and can blow you away with their passion for the topic. Yet when it comes to being in front of a sea of faces or that key decision maker, something gobbles up their confidence and they fail to convey their message.

I know I’ve done it – my first presentation at London Business School in front of my stakeholders and my wider team and I REALLY wanted to impress. I was all clued up on my purpose, my notes printed out and was all set. But when I started I heard this wobbly voice and someone gasping for air. ECK! That’s not me nor what I’m known for – I am an engaging, energising speaker.

I took a deep breath and announced my purpose – pause – more air and I set out my stall of great, pragmatic content including why I believed in it. I asked the audience if they’d find it valuable. I watched a few heads nod and heard a few mumble “yes”.

How was I able to do this? I had socialised my summary (aka my introduction) with a number of people – firstly, to check relevancy and style and secondly, to rehearse saying it out loud without the pressure of the moment. Once the former was cracked, the latter gave me chance to build muscle memory in my brain and tongue – the same as a sprinter will break down each part of their race into components and repeat each piece numerous times, great speakers breakdown their message and repeat it.  Each repetition builds a stronger memory in the brain and the operating muscle group (legs for an explosive start or the mouth and mouth for a speaker).

Having delivered to conference halls of 4,000+ and senior management, I have a wealth of experience, techniques and tools to share on public speaking. I can also draw upon my studies of anatomy and physiology to manage your energy and nerves to increase your success.You may have heard the mantra of “rehearse, rehearse, rehearse” and been recommended to deliver to a mirror or video camera, which can be really powerful and really unnatural.

get heard post image

Try my mini rehearsal technique – say it and say it often. Discuss your message and purpose with others and you’ll build a fluidity and familiarity, which will help you deliver with confidence and passion. Plus you gain support, encouragement and more energy for your message along the way. For the Win!!

What’s your favourite way to prepare ahead of your big moment? Share them in the comments please!

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did you get the message?

July 18, 2013
inb-coach, b-mail, b-train
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I love getting my weekly dose of TED video talks on the amazing, inspiring and sometimes downright weird from around the world. Whilst I may never travel to the moon or the Amazon basin, nor am I likely to be involved in technological advances for disease treatments and cures, I do watch in awe of how brilliant the speakers are and ponder what’s the magic ingredient making them so darn compelling and engaging.

I think it’s 2 things – both of which we can all make use of; from our 1 to 1 conversations, to the largest presentation in an overflowing auditorium.

The first is to define your purpose. For me, this is the combination of 3 things: why is this message important to this person(s), what do I want them to feel about it and what do I want them to do as a result. Combining these will help you shape your communication style, your choice of words and pick the right time and environment.

Now, number two in my head should come easy, but I know I sometimes struggle with it when I get a touch overwhelmed by the occasion. It’s about injecting a bit of yourself – why is it important to me and why do I believe in my message. By this, I mean not only sharing your brilliant logic, research, evidence and the like with them; I mean add in your emotion, passion, energy and personality to make the message really be heard.

You might say “Sarae, I get the purpose bit alright, but I need to come across as a professional here!”. I couldn’t agree more and I’d suggest you’d be a much more interesting professional to work with, learn from, debate with and support if you shared a bit more of your heart and soul.

If you’re interested in learning more about purpose and the idea of logic and emotion in your comms, give me a shout as I often train corporate teams on this in short and longer format sessions.

Can you think of someone who’s able to get you nodding along with them and eager to take action? Share their magic ingredient in the comments, so we can all learn a new one!

PS next week, get the second part of getting your message heard!

  • Ritu • July 23, 2013

    This post made me think… “do I have my message clear in my own head?” I think I’m a bit fuzzy right now to be honest. Great post! Thanks for that! xxoo Ritu

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Hello I’m…….erm…..

July 4, 2013
inb-coach, b-mail
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Do you ever experience that slightly awkward pause when you’re asked, so “what do you do?” I’m sure you’ve heard of the elevator pitch or the 60 second pitch. Heck, you’ve probably been on the end of some well rehearsed versions that squeeze in a heap of work, life and academic experiences plus the benefits delivered to the world – usually in one hell of a deep breath!

I know I really struggled with this one: just how do you combine your passions in multiple areas and not come across as some right weirdo, who doesn’t know what she’s about! The key to solve this wasn’t to think about the pitch, what needs to be in it, how long is it, does every word add value and so on.

It was this. I handpicked 20 people who knew me for different things, were supportive of me and asked them to sum me up in 3 words or short phrases. Some responded within in minutes, some took their time but all, yes all, came back with something that made me think hard about how my talents, my passions and my personality are seen by others.

Summarising them together produced a list of 10 or 11 things that when combined are my unique way of doing and being and better still in the language that resonates with my peers, friends and family to describe me.

Why not try it yourself? Send out a short email to your top peeps or if you’d like to include a wider audience, try a free Survey Monkey questionnaire or create a typeform to make responses anonymous. Share your 3 words in the comments.

If you want to work your words into an intro pitch for networking, interviews or your online profile summary, give me a shout and together we can make it shine!

PS my 3 words/phrases were: 1st genuine empathy, 2nd energy and tied 3rd place for confident, creative and tenacity. Can you spot them flavouring my site?

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Pilates – not all it seems…

June 27, 2013
inb-mail, b-Pilates
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Joseph Pilates exercising with his students

Joseph Pilates exercising with his students

Pilates isn’t just for pop stars and dancers: in fact, the first students were soldiers and security guards. The common factor is that they all want to feel confident in themselves and proud of their bodies.

Yes Pilates does improve your posture, flexibility and core strength, but here’s 3 body issues that you might not expect Pilates to deliver quick fixes to.

So invest a little time each day and you too can step out with your head held a bit higher.

1)   the chin jut – you know it, a long day staring at your screen…..gradually your chin is getting nearer and nearer to the screen. Tension grips your head, neck and shoulders. Here’s a “do it at your desk” fix: sit up tall, look to your left and then roll your head down to look at your toes and around until you’re looking to your right. Look straight ahead and you’re back to the beginning. Repeat a few times to the left and the reverse to the right.

UPDATE April 2014: Focus on keeping your shoulders still to avoid the stretch slipping to your waist.

2)   the bingo wings – the summer is coming (I hope!) and your arms want to be out of long sleeves. Stop the wobble fast: arms out to the side, like you’re a giant T. Draw 6 tiny little circles with the finger tips, with the movement coming from the shoulder and keeping the arms straight. Repeat in the other direction and add in more sets (clockwise and anticlockwise – no skipping!) as your arms get strong. Oh yeah, it’s meant to burn!

UPDATE April 2014: you should be getting better at this now, add a water bottle in each hand.

3)   the nipped in waist – apple, pear or bean pole body shape, we all want that nipped in waist (Guys, you know it better as swimmer’s lines down your sides). Fold your arms in front of you like a Cossack dancer and focus on your top wrist (wearing a watch, hair band or cuff helps here). Breath out to rotate through your waist like you’re a pepper grinder to twist the top half of your body to the side and breath in to come back to facing forward. Repeat in the other direction, trying to keep your wrists, nose and breastbone (or cleavage, if you’ve got one) in one vertical line. Repeat the same number of times each side or risk ending up wonky!

UPDATE April 2014: you want it harder? Ok. Tie a know in a belt, ribbon or dynoband. Hold it taut between your hands. Raise them up to shoulder height in a wider V shape. Keep the knot central to the move as you twist.

These quick and easy exercises are adaptations of matwork and standing Pilates exercises: if you want a body overhaul, book in for an assessment now or class and in the meanwhile, get going with these.

What are you looking to fix? Tell me in the comments and I’ll see what I can suggest!

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